I am not an author. I don't write. I don't have eloquent words that flow from my brain to my fingertips...so bear with me as I navigate through some intense emotions.
In fact, I prefer to work mostly in fact. Even though I struggle mostly with emotion. Emotion is a funny thing. It's a necessary evil. I know the other side having been on Prozac for so long, its numbing powers are appreciated, until you stop and you see how numb you have really been. Now...dealing with those feelings that you haven't felt in years is a little more complicated on top of dealing with the anxiety which also comes. Ah...the anxiety. My oldest and dearest friend. Sometimes it helps me know that things are normal in life...at least mine. I would, however, be willing to adjust to a new normal if it were to disappear. Lord, please hear my prayers!
Anger. That is my next oldest...friend, only this one isn't so friendly. I get angry when I feel things are out of my control. I get angry when I am interrupted. I get angry when someone hurts me. I am angry.
Depression. Oh depression, how I have come to know thee. I am most intimate with depression. The feelings of worthlessness, all the 'I don't cares' that follow and the thoughts of 'what is the point?'...crashing on me always with the tides of the hormone waves. For a while there, I felt like it began unpacking its bags and shoving its way into my breathing room. This was the reason I stopped my medicine...and now we (depression and I) are back to being just casual friends.
Sin. So these emotions that are tied so strongly to my very being are sinful. And that very admission makes my chest tight and my heart scream 'but how do I get out from underneath them?!' This adds a new layer to my emotional roller coaster...now I am climbing up just before I get to the drop. My 'lack of faith'. Do I really have a lack of faith? Do I not love God enough? Am I not being obedient to Him? Am I a failure? (Can somebody stop this thing?) Oh...the guilt, I could go on about the guilt...
But I must put on the smiley face for tomorrow's performance. Yes, I have it together. I have to. Because truly, who cares about these emotions that I feel really, when everyone has their own lives to live and their own emotions to deal with. I've heard it all before 'There is no reason for you to be sad' 'Quit being so dramatic' 'Suck it up and deal with it' I have felt the sting of the rolling eyes. ...and it cuts deep each time and I retract further into my emotional shell. This is a pain that medicine has not been able to 'cure'...psychology has not been able to 'help'...and faith has not been able to 'heal'. I wish I could find someone who truly understands and cares enough to not judge or criticize me for what I do not understand nor know how to control. I just want someone who understands. who cares, genuinely. Do you know what it is like to be smiling on the outside and screaming on the inside? I bet you do...but you stay hidden in your shell just like I do. I can't breathe in here? Maybe we should all come up for air...
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